The Labour MP Rosie Duffield’s harrowing account of her own personal experience of domestic abuse left colleagues in tears in the Commons in what has been described as one of the most moving contributions ever given in parliament.
After months of what she described as terrifying verbal abuse, humiliation and financial control unbeknown to her friends, family and colleagues, she described how she eventually gained the courage to leave a partner.
She spoke during a debate on the domestic abuse bill, which the Speaker, John Bercow, said had been “simultaneously horrifying and as moving a contribution” as he had heard in his 22 years in the Commons.
Duffield, 48, who won Canterbury for Labour from the Tories in 2017, said domestic abuse was often very different from the images presented on TV.
She said: “Often we see the same images and stereotypes on TV. Housing estates, working-class families, drunk men coming home from the pub. Women surrounded by children and a sequence of shouting followed by immediate physical violence or assault.
“But the soap opera scene only tends to focus on one or two aspects of a much bigger and more complex picture.
“Domestic violence has many faces and the faces of those who survive it are varied too. Sometimes there are no bruises. Abuse is very often all about control and power. It’s about making themselves feel big or biggest.”
Duffield, a former teaching assistant and political writer, explained that her relationship had been full of romantic gestures at first.
She said: “They don’t threaten criticise, yell or exert their physical strength in increasingly frightening ways.
“Not at the start. Not when they think you’re sweet, funny and gorgeous. Not when they turn up to your third date with chocolates, then jewellery.
“Not when they meet your friends, or the leader of your political party.”
Over time she said the verbal intimidation had become more intense, and there were periods of time when her partner would not speak to her at all.
She claimed he had also moved into her home and had become reliant on her financially, never disclosing his own salary or contributing to bills, and eventually not working at all.
She said: “You learn that ‘I’ll always look after you’ and ‘You’re mine for life’ can sound menacing, are used as a warning over and over again.
“It’s when the ring is on your finger that the mask can start to slip and the promises sound increasingly like threats.”
Among the emotional knocks to her confidence were comments like “Your dress was too short” or “The top you wore in the chamber was too low-cut.”
Some of the most harrowing detail was her account of a surprise weekend break. She said: “In a strange city his face changes in a way you are starting to know and dread. In a way that tells you, you need to stay calm, silent and very careful.
“You read a city guide … mentally packing a day full of fun. But he seems to have another agenda.
“He doesn’t want you to leave the room. He’s paid a lot of money and you need to pay him your full attention. You are expected to do as you are told. You know for certain what that means, so you do, exactly what you are told.
“Those patterns continue: reward, punishment, promises of happy ever after, alternating with abject rage, menace, silent treatment and coercive control.”
Eventually the abuse spilled out in public, with him shouting at her at constituency events, which she said was extremely humiliating.
For two weeks she timed the moment he took a shower and one morning took his house keys from his bag so that night he was locked out of her house, ending the relationship.
She finished her account, in which colleagues sat in absolute silence, saying: “You realise it’s not your fault. He is left alone with his rage and narcissism.
“If anyone is watching and needs a friend, please reach out if it safe to do so and please talk to any of us, because we will be there and hold your hand.”
Labour’s Harriet Harman said: “What she said just now will save lives. We are incredibly proud of her.”
The domestic abuse bill will for the first time include economic control and manipulative non-physical abuse within definitions of domestic abuse.
It will also introduce new domestic abuse protection notices and domestic abuse protection orders to further protect victims and prohibit the cross-examination of victims by their abusers in the family courts.
There was a risk that with parliament’s prorogation the bill would not have time to become law.
During its second reading on Wednesday, Theresa May, who introduced the bill, said it was a “once-in-a-generation” opportunity to make significant change to support victims.